Day 9

This is not getting me anywhere. I am lazy.
They'll say that I passed the first exam so I can take the second only at 4 p.m. the day before next exam.
I like characters in Eureka and this anime is being downloaded quite fast.
What exactly am I doing with my life? What is it all for? Where my dreams have gone? What should I do with the time given? What is worth doing and what is not? I have 2,5 days till the next exam. I know I will learn something. But those days of idling and not knowing why I am doing all this suck. Really. And I can't even let myself fail to know the bitterness of loosing. Because if I fail I will not have another chance. Not good.

Day 8

Nothing done. I really can't get down to work right after exam. So, today was my day-off with really lots of anime. I did my household chores, too.
My room is clean from literature books already and there are fewer Social science books.
I have got no one to go out with. But now I have a great anime-show to watch. I planned to watch it for some YEARS and here I go.
Overall, I found out that I am totally non-active, unsociable person. I lack willpower and self-appraise. I stopped talking to myself. I guess it was better when I did.
You know what is the difference between school and life? In real life you have no one to tell you where you made a mistake and no one to praise you for your results, no one to help you. Everything that I learned in school is fake. And it seems I have no reason to think about it and keep moving on. Except I'm not sure what to do.

Motivational Quotes - My collection

I know there are lots of them. So, here are my favorites (I colored some of them):

If you love what you do, you will never work another day in your life."
--Confucius

"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it."
-- William Durant
"We cannot become what we need to be by remaining what we are."
-- Max DePree
"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."
-- Carl Bard
"I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot... and I missed. I have failed over and over and over again in my life. And that's precisely why I succeed."
-- Michael Jordan, one of the NBA's greatest players.
"I'm not telling you it is going to be easy - I'm telling you it's going to be worth it"
-- Art Williams
"The most painful thing to experience is not defeat but regret"
-- Leo Bascaglia
"The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually fearing you will make one."
-- Elbert Hubbard
"You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you."
-- James Allen
"The trouble with many plans is that they are based on the way things are now. To be successful, your personal plan must focus on what you want, not what you have."
-- Nido Qubein
"Challenging the meaning of life is the truest expression of the state of being human." - Viktor Frankl
"Everything must be made as simple as possible but not one bit simpler."
-Albert Einstein
"Strength of mind is exercise, not rest."
-Alexander Pope
Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning. Mohandas Karamchand (Mahatma) Gandhi
"I'm not the kind of guy to knock at a door and then when the door is opened not go in."
-William Saroyan
"Few minds wear out; most rust out."
-Christian Nextell Bouee
"No man is free that cannot command himself."
-Pythagoras
"Learn something new every day under the sun. You will never get old if you do."
-Lois Bey
"Inspiration springs more readily from knowledge than from ignorance."
-Horace Meyer Kallen
"Doubt whom you will, but never doubt yourself."
-Christian Nestell Bovee
"Destiny is not a matter of chance, but of choice. Not something to wish for, but to attain."
-William Jennings Bryan
"Whatever you truly conceive of in the mind, is possible."
"Every action of our lives touches on some chord that will vibrate in eternity."
-Edwin Hubbel Chapin
"Great minds have purposes, others have wishes. Little minds are tamed and subdued by misfortune; but great minds rise above them.."
-Washington Irving
"The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it cannot be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it."
-Elbert Hubbard
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
- Thomas Alva Edison
"Those who are quite satisfied sit still and do nothing; those who are not quite satisfied are the sole benefactors of the world."
-Walter Savage Landor
A ship in harbor is safe -- but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking places.- Unknown
"Each forward step we take we leave some phantom of ourselves behind."
-John Lancaster Spalding
School is a building that has four walls--with tomorrow inside.
Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.

There are many ways of going forward, but there is only one way of standing still.

A lot of us would like to move mountains, but few of us are willing to practice on small hills.
Doing your best is more important than being the best.
Giant oak trees started out as little nuts.
The most powerful weapon on earth is the human soul on fire. -- Ferdinand Foch
Always give more than what's expected. -- Donald Trump
If we did all the things we were capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves. -- Thomas Edison

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Neither you nor the world knows what you can do until you have tried. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
So many times people end up fixated on doing things rights, that they end up doing nothing at all. -- The Wright Brothers
A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit. -- Richard Bach
Fall seven times, stand up eight. -- Japanese proverb
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up. -- Thomas Edison
Never give in. Never. Never. Never. Never. -- Winston Churchill
You have not lived a perfect day, unless you've done something for someone who will never be able to repay you. -- Ruth Smeltzer
Without deviation, progress is not possible. -- Frank Zappa
If you're not lighting any candles, don't complain about being in the dark.

I will never give in until the day that I die. I'll get myself some independence, carve out a future with my two bare hands. -- The Alarm
If at first you don't succeed, you're like everyone else who went on to greatness. -- Patrick Combs
Apply yourself. Get all the education you can, but then, by ***, do something. Don't just stand there, make it happen. -- Lee Iacocca, Chairman Chrysler Motors

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Update: 
I have finished university lately and posted some advice and quotes for exams, if you are interested: Motivation for students
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Sites (You can find more there):
http://www.innertalk.com/quotes.html
http://www.coolmath.com/Survivor-Algebra/10-motivational-quotes.html - there are a lot more
http://quotations.about.com/cs/inspirationquotes/a/Life24.htm - I haven't read it, but that looks good
http://djstoddard.wordpress.com/ - btw, it is a great blog of Unmotivated Motivational author
http://www.redsofts.com/articles/read/284/8249/How_To_Make_The_Most_Of_Your_Life.html

Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently. (с) Henry Ford.

I did not succeed in my Law competition. I do not know why - just did not get enough points.
I wrote my Mathematics exam yesterday, it was ok, though not so easy and I hope for the good mark. Well, life goes on, we should move forward. But I feel like I am tired before doing something. I want to lye down and have a rest.
And where is warmth? My hands are cold.

The next exam is history and I have to admit that I do not know a thing in history but I was very proud and did not put my name down for some other - easy exam. "If everyone... swallowed their pride..." Ahem. But I think that it will be ok. Actually I can't do anything now but learn history. And some words are coming to my mind: "If it is worth doing, it's worth doing well".

Me as my perfect boyfriend

Oh well

1. I do not smoke
2. I do not drink so much to have a headache in the morning
3. I do not swear like everyone does
   
4. I do not care about clothes, they just have to be not so dirty and smelly (wooph)
5. I hate waking up in the morning and going to bed early
6. I like watching films and freaky videos and I like anime
   
7. I use Linux and Firefox
8. I like listening to music of different styles, I listen to happy hardcore and I like it.
9. I love playing computer games
10. I can cook simply dishes
11. I like ice cream and sweets and chips and this kind of stuff
12. I am pretty ambitious
13. I am not the type to pick a friend for a night, I prefer long-lasting relationship
    
14. It is hard for me to get intimate with the person and share something with him/her
15. I am cautious and I am a freak of washing hands because I know what happens if you don't do that
16. I like riding my bike like a noob and running
17. I am a plan-machine, and I want somebody to be with me to get out of the boredom
    
18. I want to try everything and I want to be laughed at by someone who tries it for the first time too
19. I want to take someone's hand if there is a chance and I like telling stories and remembering things
    
20. I do not like pets. People are much more interesting. Rats are funny, though
21. I like to take photos and nobody lets me =(
22. Well, I am cute ^__^
    

Oh... Man, I am just my perfect boyfriend.
Hm-m. I don't think I am my perfect girlfriend, really. That's the point here, isn't it?
And why am I writing this? Because it is spring and everybody is kissing in front of me?
And I have got nothing to do but look into the skies, listen to happy hardcore in my headphones and smile - smile because I know that everyone can be happy and because everyone is happy. Pa-pa-ra-rara-pa-pa-ra-rara-pa-pa-ra-hohoo-pa-pa-ra-hohoo-living without your love-cant stop thinking about you... cant stop dreaming about you... hell is living without your love...life will never be the same... my heart recalls you name... (c)
Well, some disturbing facts about me and my life. Ehem...

About being in love and memory

School is boring. It just takes my time. Non-productive time, though.
My head began aching after I ate (when came from school), I was singing one song of which I know only one verse and ending. And there was one line which I could not remember and when I tried to remember it my head began to hurt. It still hurts. And I thought it was because I was hungry, so we ate after evening studies today. And now I am waiting for the tablet to make this in its own way.
I saw a boy in love today. I know him, he was my classmate some years ago. I saw him by chance - in the underground, when I was running to my studies as I thought I was going to be late. He was with his girlfriend. I guess it is she, whom he talked about few months ago. And he closed his eyes and I knew for sure that he is in love. And she looked the other way, so his face was covered with her light-brown hair. I suppose this is the way this type of guys fall in love. I mean that is how he loves. Because I have never met such a guy. So, that was beautiful and it gave me good emotions. And I was happy - don't know why - I was just happy for him to be with his beloved.
Well, what is the life for, anyway? What will we remember when the time comes? Books we read or films we saw? Or maybe these very sights that we get every time we are happy or sad moments? Or our long conversations like the one I had on skype the day before with a friend in Germany? Or all these stresses about exams? I'm not sure, but I think it will be the ones whom we love and our memories connected with them. I hope I will not lose my memory till the day I die.

Giving up something precious

At the end of February I made a decision to give up watching Japanese animation or anime.
I'd been watching it for 2 years and I should say that it was a huge part of my life. Anime made my character with movies and books and life, of course. Anime gave me many thoughts and emotions, ideas and feelings. But nonetheless anime took a lot of time. So I decided to reduce the time that goes for non-preparing for exams. And I gave up watching anime. Completely.
It is hell. I never smoke so I never gave up anything. I have just been doing what I wanted all my life.
Now I frequently think that this time that I had been spending on watching anime is now going nowhere (or for thoughts like "I want to watch anime" or "What seasons are coming out this week?"). Well, my other part tells me that it's not true and that I'm spending more time for my studies. I do not know for sure...
For few first weeks I changed anime to Scrubs. And I saw 24 episodes so far. This makes one season. I suppose I watched about 3 anime seasons in a month (on average) these past years.
I feel desperate. I'm in low spirits. I want to watch anime. Badly. Damn exams.
But I know it is all for greater good.
So I just must not think about it.

Sky

When I was on my way home I looked up in the sky and I couldn't help thinking that it was very beautiful. It was about sunset and clouds were creamy-colored with orange lining and the sky was light-blue. And as I was thinking about how fantastic this sight was I realized that I understood very well all this religious stuff. I mean, do you remember this quote by M. Twain?

Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it is Heaven on Earth.

But at this very moment I realized that he was wrong. Heavens are not on Earth. It is in the sky. Christianity tells that Heavens are above the Earth, as I remember, so I agreed with them. Because it was so breathtaking.
And I wanted to go up there so badly that I made a promise. I promised that someday I will go to the sky and so I want to be a pilot. And I went home smiling and looking up at the sky and I thought how I will be a pilot and what kind of aircraft (what a word!) I will have.
I wish this dream will come true. Someday...

Why?

I do not have a goal in my life. I am preparing to enter one of the best universities of the city and I don't know why. I can't see the goal behind these studies so I am loosing sight of what I want to do. In fact, I have never seen the clear goal in front of me. And I know I need to work to live up the expectations of my parents but what are my expectations? Why am I playing games in the evening thinking that I should do something nice because I get tired of doing pointless things instead of reading something useful that will help me to enter the university?
I remember that quote from Honey and Clover:

The reason why I am lost...
It's not because I don't have a map. What I lack is... a destination... (c)

And one man commented on this like: "Why don't you set up some checkpoints then?"
Well, he may be right.
I will think about it.

Sadness

Today has been a sad day so far.
This Tuesday when I was going home with my friend, he said hello to one guy who was sitting next to me in the train in the underground. He looked smart, his hair was bright red, that I would have called "orange". He had lots of acnes all over his face, but he looked nice and everything... My friend told me he was a high-schooler, 11th form just like me.
He is in the reanimation right now and who knows if he will survive. THAT was sad. It is like you see the person who is sitting near you smiling to you and the next moment you don't know if he will live. Damn the basketball. Damn the accidents. Damn.

My Day

Well, today I skipped school. It is Thursday, after all. And by Thursday all my tiredness and lack of sleep shows up. So, I slept till 11 a.m.
Then I did some physical exercises just to be sure my body is still moving.
My breakfast was really heavy - I eat a lot these days, don't know why, may be that's my stress or all that strength that I put in my studies requires more food (doubtful).
While eating I watched a few episodes of Scrubs, which was great fun.
So, after all that I thought about my studies. Today I had Russian. Hell, we learn it as if we are students of some linguistic/philology university already. But all we will have to "overcome" is a test. But, well, these Russian studies are informative.
Funny thing - when I was in the underground listening to my playlist and watching people around me that have just come to my mind - I live among people and I love it. This woman with red tights, a man with a book in a pink cover, a blond girl with big headphones on, a guy with lovely eyes - this all makes difference between us. I mean this is great to live among different people and have a chance to meet them, some - by chance, for a second, and others - by chance, too, to spend some time with and to share some thoughts and feelings. Hell, I love it. The world is full of joy and mystery after all. And yes, I have to use "hell" less often, I suppose.
So, I ate two times this day and drank a cup of chocolate from a little packet with another sweety mushroom with condensed milk (in Russian there is a special term for this - "sguschenka" =)). I think I should reduce my daily sweets consumption x)
That is how my day usually goes - School/sleep, then doing some homework for evening studies and eve studies themselves (for 2 hours +2 hours for road) then supper and here I am - at my computer, thinking about what I should do now.
*Going to look through recent photos and maybe update dA...

First Post

Well, as always - this is my first post in this journal. Ok, here are reasons for why I have created this blog:
1. I have lots of thoughts;
2. I have 4 other blogs but this one is kinda one-themed;
3. I am stressed, have frequent depressions, think about purpose in life and look for the goal to reach;
4. I am a teenager, I am not very sociable and my exams are coming.

For those, who will be with me for these few months - I appreciate it very much and I hope that my blog will be helpful for one person at least.
Thank you.

Yours,
Stressed university entrant.