Me as my perfect boyfriend

Oh well

1. I do not smoke
2. I do not drink so much to have a headache in the morning
3. I do not swear like everyone does
   
4. I do not care about clothes, they just have to be not so dirty and smelly (wooph)
5. I hate waking up in the morning and going to bed early
6. I like watching films and freaky videos and I like anime
   
7. I use Linux and Firefox
8. I like listening to music of different styles, I listen to happy hardcore and I like it.
9. I love playing computer games
10. I can cook simply dishes
11. I like ice cream and sweets and chips and this kind of stuff
12. I am pretty ambitious
13. I am not the type to pick a friend for a night, I prefer long-lasting relationship
    
14. It is hard for me to get intimate with the person and share something with him/her
15. I am cautious and I am a freak of washing hands because I know what happens if you don't do that
16. I like riding my bike like a noob and running
17. I am a plan-machine, and I want somebody to be with me to get out of the boredom
    
18. I want to try everything and I want to be laughed at by someone who tries it for the first time too
19. I want to take someone's hand if there is a chance and I like telling stories and remembering things
    
20. I do not like pets. People are much more interesting. Rats are funny, though
21. I like to take photos and nobody lets me =(
22. Well, I am cute ^__^
    

Oh... Man, I am just my perfect boyfriend.
Hm-m. I don't think I am my perfect girlfriend, really. That's the point here, isn't it?
And why am I writing this? Because it is spring and everybody is kissing in front of me?
And I have got nothing to do but look into the skies, listen to happy hardcore in my headphones and smile - smile because I know that everyone can be happy and because everyone is happy. Pa-pa-ra-rara-pa-pa-ra-rara-pa-pa-ra-hohoo-pa-pa-ra-hohoo-living without your love-cant stop thinking about you... cant stop dreaming about you... hell is living without your love...life will never be the same... my heart recalls you name... (c)
Well, some disturbing facts about me and my life. Ehem...

Legendary canteen

I'm proud of the previous post (though it was long) because it gave me the motivation. Yeah, and I'm going to bed now. To turn in, as they say ^_^
But I wanted to write a few words about today. Because today I got this idea about motivation again.
I have been to University to apply for the law contest which is on the 4th of May. In 5 days, right.
Ok, I went to University. You know, it has lots of buildings and they are old and they look awesome. When I was a kid I wanted to get to this University because it was beautiful and it reminded me of buildings in some strategy game where there were lines on buildings in the colors of player. And there are the same lines on most buildings of this University and they are red (the default color of player).
So today I was impressed as always by these enormous buildings. And the weather was fine so after I gave all the necessary documents to one fair-haired guy and talked with two second-year female students about University life and entrance exams (they were speaking and I listened) I decided to take a tour around University and eat at the legendary canteen. I found it with the help of my bro's directions that he gave me a month ago (I called him to refresh them in my mind. It was like "Hi, bro, I want to go to the canteen, it is to the elevators and then on the left, I meant right. - Yeah, right"). And I had to ask a security guard because I knew I went the wrong direction. The canteen was behind me when I asked him. But you know, this is not an easy way. You should go to the elevators, then turn right before them and then turn left and then right and then there will be a long corridor with something suspicious like University theater or telegraph and then you see a lot of bikes and you see half of all people go straight forward down the ladder and the other half goes forward to where shops are. And I forgot where was a tricky ladder that you won't notice if you do not know that there should be one. I went back the other way =) But I ate at the canteen. I was nervous like this was some sort of a test. If you fail - you are hungry, if you succeed - you get a delicious dinner. It cost me about 1,40 euros for carrot salad with raisins and meat with buckwheat. And I took a sweet cherry compote to drink. However I got a dirty spoon which I did not have to use, thanks goodness. And there was no knife. But dinner was really good and I liked it.
Well, now I have another motivation besides the beauty of buildings - it is a cheap and good dinners at the Legendary Canteen.

Motivation

Motivation is a big word. One of those you can see in those self-improvement articles or books.
And motivation is a real thing. It is not that we can touch, though. However, preparing for the exams by yourself is a hard thing and you will never succeed until you have a great motivation for achieving this goal.
So, I guess we have to do something to improve our motivation and reduce laziness.
Well, for example, now I have to work hard to finish my literature project (which is really made for about 5%), prepare for law semi-exam, do the rest of history and social science questions. Ah, I forgot about my work on astronomy. Hell, but I am writing this post. Why?
There are a few reasons for this:

1. I am kind of tired as I went to the University today to apply for this semi-law exam. I mean law semi-exam.
   
2. My head becomes dizzy with all the information from that law book I'm reading right now. Maybe I should read something else, though... To change author or language, you know what I mean.
   
3. I am lazy.

Aha! These problems can be solved. 1. Get some sleep. 2. Read something else. 3. ----
What should we do about laziness then? Where does it come from anyway?

1. Thoughts like "It is a simple work, I can do this in a day or two" (like with my literature project) or "I have a lot of time and I will do this later" (like with my astronomy work) or "That is tough and I do not like it, but I have to do it... not now, because I feel sleepy and all I can do is chat and spent some time at my computer, aha..." (like with everything) or "It won't give me satisfaction" (oh, what will?)
2. Being online all the time. Like icq or Google talk or enough thoughts for a new post or some new comments. And you see some ads or something new in theaters and you go look what it is about and then you see the actor and you try to remember the film he was an actor in that you have seen and then you look up what this film's name was and then you read something about sci-fi and then... Ok, that's enough, right?
3. Panic and stress. Really. You get tired out of nowhere and you just can not do anything else but read something good or eat something sweet to get better but this does not happen or you then forget about worries like exams and relax and see some film or play games (that's what happens frequently with me).

Ok. These are more difficult points. But still, have some solutions. 1. That does not make any sense. You know, there is an idea of dying the next day, so you have no time to waste (but what point in making a project if you will die?). And there is much older conception like "Better do it now" or "Now or never". Tomorrow will come and it will be too late, I swear (that may cause the 3 reason, though). So, my literature project can be simple (though, it is not, really) but it requires a lot of time to get all information look right. And actually, there is no time. I mean, time can not be enlarged or changed but we can use it wisely.
2. Just turn them off. Quit programs, be offline for a while it won't hurt you.
3. This does not help much to achieve your goals.

But, even knowing all that does not make me feel motivated enough to get down to work.
I know some people have motivation and don't need any help with that. I envy them. But I can't understand why I do not have something which will make me work everyday and never want to stop and move on and on. May be I really do not want to study at University? Well, I want. That is not a question, really.
Here are some motivational tricks that were suggested by everybody:

1. Make a picture of something you want to achieve and put it on your desktop or working place. I have a calendar with the building of University on it.
   
2. Think of every benefit that you will have after you pass your exams. Like student's life, getting a real student document. Imagine how you will tell everybody that you have passed exams to where you wanted. Think positive about future.
3. Set some other goals that can be achieved only after you get to the University. Like getting a good and interesting work and buying a new car or something you have been dreaming for a long time. Or think of something you will do only if you pass exams. Like studying Japanese, going abroad with a grant or buying a new computer.
   
4. Well if the second point did not help you can think in the pessimistic way. Like you do not get to the University and you can not get a good job and nobody wants to be with you and then you give up your work because of drinking and then you starve to death or commit suicide. Wow, a sad story, isn't it? But try to think positive.

I suppose motivation is all-brain thing. You should think about it. You should find something motivational. You should make a list of things that you can not do now, but you will be able to do after all the exams will be over. When you will not be stressed up with all these problems, when you will relax and laugh at all this knowing that you are a student of one of the best Universities of your city or country. It is like you are worth it. You are successful. You are hardworking and thoughtful. And you know that you have ambitions and you have strength. And you know that you can do anything. And the whole world awaits for you to make a first step to the future.

Educational links

Some links for those, who is interested in learning:

http://open.yale.edu/courses/
youtube.com/ucberkeley - or - webcast.berkeley.edu/courses.php
http://www.cmu.edu/oli/
http://ocw.mit.edu/OcwWeb/web/home/home/index.htm
http://freescienceonline.blogspot.com/

Everything is at our fingertips, right? Yale... Ahm. Better not think about it and prepare for MY exams.

One Sunday in April

Today was a great day.
I woke up at 8-20 and went to the center to meet with my new French friends. That was totally fun and I'm happy to had such an opportunity. Well, now I know that I do not speak French. At all. Have to improve it after exams, I suppose. And I'm saying "I suppose" too much now, I suppose =)
So, I met with a sister and a brother. They are Czech-French and they knew English, so that was alright.
We went to the 8th Photobiennalle to the exhibition about Lumière and some other photography (like portraits of famous actors and actresses and photos of mountains in Tibet and China). There were lots of photos made by Lumière brothers: portraits of their family members, some celebrations and moments, quite personal.
Then we ate at KFC ^__^
And when I finally got home I was soaked with rain. I watched a film called Dungeons & Dragons after that, eating some cheese. The film was cool 'cause it was right, I think. When one black mage was making a long and dangerous spell on the queen and then the dragon comes from somewhere and eats the mage. Hell, what a beautiful scene, such a good luck and circumstances X)
And in the evening the heat-electric generating plant just near my house began to smoke like hell - it was on fire. So, we went and made lots of video and took photos. Dangerous thing, aha.
The day was good and not progressive as I did not do any studies today. It was relaxing, however I am totally tired.

Friends

Yesterday I was so sleepy that I felt quite bad during my classes in school. And on the last lesson when we had a rehearsal of our last concert (which will be on 24 of May) I had a mind collapse and I sat on the floor and listened to the music. Then my friend woke me up. I guess I frightened somebody. And one guy asked me how I felt and I almost told him that I felt not very good without him but my old friend was listening so I said "Fine".
I think that friends are necessary because they prevent you from doing foolish things.
Amen.

About being in love and memory

School is boring. It just takes my time. Non-productive time, though.
My head began aching after I ate (when came from school), I was singing one song of which I know only one verse and ending. And there was one line which I could not remember and when I tried to remember it my head began to hurt. It still hurts. And I thought it was because I was hungry, so we ate after evening studies today. And now I am waiting for the tablet to make this in its own way.
I saw a boy in love today. I know him, he was my classmate some years ago. I saw him by chance - in the underground, when I was running to my studies as I thought I was going to be late. He was with his girlfriend. I guess it is she, whom he talked about few months ago. And he closed his eyes and I knew for sure that he is in love. And she looked the other way, so his face was covered with her light-brown hair. I suppose this is the way this type of guys fall in love. I mean that is how he loves. Because I have never met such a guy. So, that was beautiful and it gave me good emotions. And I was happy - don't know why - I was just happy for him to be with his beloved.
Well, what is the life for, anyway? What will we remember when the time comes? Books we read or films we saw? Or maybe these very sights that we get every time we are happy or sad moments? Or our long conversations like the one I had on skype the day before with a friend in Germany? Or all these stresses about exams? I'm not sure, but I think it will be the ones whom we love and our memories connected with them. I hope I will not lose my memory till the day I die.

Giving up something precious

At the end of February I made a decision to give up watching Japanese animation or anime.
I'd been watching it for 2 years and I should say that it was a huge part of my life. Anime made my character with movies and books and life, of course. Anime gave me many thoughts and emotions, ideas and feelings. But nonetheless anime took a lot of time. So I decided to reduce the time that goes for non-preparing for exams. And I gave up watching anime. Completely.
It is hell. I never smoke so I never gave up anything. I have just been doing what I wanted all my life.
Now I frequently think that this time that I had been spending on watching anime is now going nowhere (or for thoughts like "I want to watch anime" or "What seasons are coming out this week?"). Well, my other part tells me that it's not true and that I'm spending more time for my studies. I do not know for sure...
For few first weeks I changed anime to Scrubs. And I saw 24 episodes so far. This makes one season. I suppose I watched about 3 anime seasons in a month (on average) these past years.
I feel desperate. I'm in low spirits. I want to watch anime. Badly. Damn exams.
But I know it is all for greater good.
So I just must not think about it.

Sky

When I was on my way home I looked up in the sky and I couldn't help thinking that it was very beautiful. It was about sunset and clouds were creamy-colored with orange lining and the sky was light-blue. And as I was thinking about how fantastic this sight was I realized that I understood very well all this religious stuff. I mean, do you remember this quote by M. Twain?

Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it is Heaven on Earth.

But at this very moment I realized that he was wrong. Heavens are not on Earth. It is in the sky. Christianity tells that Heavens are above the Earth, as I remember, so I agreed with them. Because it was so breathtaking.
And I wanted to go up there so badly that I made a promise. I promised that someday I will go to the sky and so I want to be a pilot. And I went home smiling and looking up at the sky and I thought how I will be a pilot and what kind of aircraft (what a word!) I will have.
I wish this dream will come true. Someday...

Constitution, Essays and Madness

Days are passing by and I am not writing here. I'm sorry, really. When I think "oh, I know what I'm going to write here" I come home and feel so tired that I can not do anything or I'm too lazy for that.
So since last post I've read a constitution and improved my Russian tests a little - I made 39/40 and that is great, because before I made 38/40. Yeah, I should work harder on my essays.
Essays are very tricky. Sometimes you know what to write, sometimes you don't know what to write and the other time you have too much thoughts so you mess up your essay. And I do not like the part where you have to point the problem raised in a text and write about author's opinion.
Today I had a depression after school. I have a friend, who has made a huge progress lately and all the teachers keep telling her how great she is and that many tried but did not succeed and I am with her almost all the time and I hate listening to the teachers because this is me who is a failure here. And I do not want to be envious as it will lead to the hatred for my friend or for myself and I know what choice I will make in this situation. And I do not want to go back to this time from where I have come not so long before. I mean the Great Depression of the Youth. Argh.
I am going mad. I know that this is quite a personal information, but I suppose I will only frighten those who are around me if I tell them about this. I had hallucinations and I have some problems with breathing (not so usually, but still...). Oh, and I'm talking to myself and sometimes I find myself laughing at my other self jokes. What do you call this? Split personality?
Oh, yes, I have frequent sharp headache. But it does not last long.
And today I colored my nails with different green colors only on one hand (left). I don't know why. I just felt very sad. So all the way to my evening studies I kept hiding my hand. I was embarrassed.
And then I drank (or ate) a cup of coffee with ice-cream in it. It was good but still I do no like hot beverages and bitterness of coffee. However I liked it. It was fun.